Hyperventilating (OH part 3)

It’s about 10:30 pm in OH and I’m finishing up my salad and beer at the hotel restaurant. I talked to mom on the phone and was texting a few different friends while eating by myself.  One new that I was in OH to pick up my son, the other didn’t.

As I finish up my dinner and pay the bill, I check my email.  It had been a few hours since I had heard from the adoption agency and I wasn’t sure if the little guy had arrived.  I see an email from the agency.  I open it and it says “Hello all- J just reached out to me.  They are having a very difficult time with letting go of their baby boy.  As of right now she said they have decided they can’t let him go.” My heart sunk and before I knew what I was doing, I was running out of the restaurant crying.

By the time I get to my room on the fourth floor I was hyperventilating and bawling my eyes out. I remember dropping to my knees in tears in the bathroom and resting my head on the sink.  A few moments later I’m doing the same at the end of my bed. How can this be happening…again!? I’m a good person. God, please stop testing me. I can’t take this again.  Why? Why? Why?  My whole world shattered into pieces again after one short email.

I don’t remember much else except for crying and texting my mom, sister and best friend a copy of the email.  I remember telling them that I was hyperventilating and that I couldn’t talk because I had to focus on breathing.  Why me? Why again?

I didn’t sleep well that night.  But then again it’s hard to sleep when you’re crying and pleading with God to make the adoption go through.

Somehow the rest of the night came and went and it was 8am on Sunday. My eyes were so swollen from crying that it was hard to check my email on my phone.  A new email from the agency. J and F wanted to meet me at 4pm in the hospital. I was to meet them in her hospital room on the 4th floor.  There was hope!  She wanted to meet me.  Maybe the baby was crying all night and J and T realized that they couldn’t take care of a newborn.  My hopes were back up a bit.

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