I laid in bed trying not to think about the meeting at 4pm. I finally take a shower, put layers and layers of makeup on to try to cover up the bags and dark circles under my eyes and force myself downstairs to get lunch. I eat slowly, to waste time, and then head out to Target to pick up a baby car seat, a scarf (it’s freezing cold in OH) and a few other things. I must have walked around the store about 15 times. Anything to get my mind off the 4pm meeting where I was going to hear J and F say that they changed their mind. I had tons of extra nervous and anxious energy.
It’s about 3:15 and I decide to drive to the hospital, but the long way. What normally would take about 5 minutes took about 15 minutes. I park the car and sit there and stare out the window. I stare and stare…anything to get my mind off the 4pm meeting. I take deep breaths and get out of the car. Head into the hospital, ask the receptionist where the maternity floor is, hop in the elevator and my mind is turned off the meeting for a minute.
A young family gets in the elevator with me and the little boy who is about 4 tells me very proudly that he’s going to go visit his new little cousin who is being born. He’s incredibly proud. I ask if it’s a boy or girl and he says a girl. I ask if he’s happy it’s a girl or if he’d prefer a boy and he stops, thinks and says that he’s going to visit his new little cousin. The family and I sit in the waiting room – they for the grandma and aunt to come out and give an update on auntie Ally (not my mom). She’s doing well but is beginning to breathe really deep. They think she’s about 15 minutes away from giving birth.
I look up at the clock and it’s 3:58. I stand up to leave the waiting room and the little boy tells me again that he’s there to meet his little cousin. His mom tells him that I’m probably going to meet a new family member. At that point I turn around and as I say “I’m adopting and am meeting the birth mom for the first time” I find that I’m in tears again. I sit down, again, focus on breathing and the mom and dad wish me good luck.
It was down the hall to room 60 and a nurse is walking in at the same time. She opens the door and I see a thin lady by the back window holding and rocking a tiny baby. I look to my left and see J sitting on the bed. I introduce myself to her, she introduces herself and the lady holding the baby says “Why is she here?” I know I lost my breath for a second, but don’t think that it was obvious. Although the emphasis was on “here” rather than “she”, I still didn’t feel good about it. Turns out that I was supposed to meet them in the cafeteria rather than her room. No one told me but it was okay. I agreed to head down and they were to meet me in a few minutes when the nurse was done checking on J.
As I took the elevator back downstairs I was thinking how surprised I was by how “normal” J was. I knew that she had minor marijuana use during the pregnancy but you never know. I also knew that she was Caucasian, but K (September baby mama) said that she was and she wasn’t. I was pleasantly surprised by the young lady I just met.
I got a water at the cafeteria and then sat down at a table and waited. I felt like Goldilocks because I sat at three different tables. The first one I was sitting and watching the door. That felt too Big Brotherish. The second table was by the window where I could look out but the table was too high and it felt odd. I then moved to the third table and sat there. A minute or two later a young man, J, a little girl around 8 and the lady who was holding the baby upstairs were all walking towards me. Breathe, breathe, breathe.
The next 20 or so minutes are somewhat of a fuzz. The young man, T, walked over and put his hand on my shoulder and told me he was sorry. As soon as he cut his son’s umbilical cord he knew that he couldn’t give him up. I said how difficult it must be to place a baby for adoption, that neither them or I would be able to both “win” in the situation and one of us would be heartbroken, that I’d always have a special place in my heart for the little boy and that it’s been a long two years. T asked if I wanted to go upstairs and see the baby and I said I’d love to but I couldn’t because it would break my heart even more. He understood. J wasn’t able to look at me at much and although we were sitting beside each other, she had her chin resting on her right arm (close to T) and was crying the entire time. The two of us were in tears.
The little girl turns out to be T’s little sister and she’s beyond proud to be an aunt at such a young age. After finding out what they have called the little boy, the little aunt goes into what felt like a very long monologue about little T and baby T…the baby is the IV – named after his dad, his grandpa and great grandpa.
It was then time to go. I don’t remember how it ended but at that point it all ended. I walked out of the cafeteria and as I was making a left out the door, I ran into a nurse. She saw that I was crying and very upset and asked if I was okay. I mumbled “yes.” She asked if I needed anything and inside I said “my mom” but “no” was what was audible. I got into the elevator, forgetting I was already on the first floor, and when I went up a floor and then down again, I ran into the family that was there to see their new little niece/cousin. I couldn’t look at them but I could tell they were looking at me and they new exactly what had happened. I didn’t want sympathy, I wanted a baby and I wanted my mom.