Foster to Adopt Class Day 1

I’ve been home for less than 24 hours since my failed adoption in OH and I head to Modesto for a foster to adopt class. I’m not sure about this and if I’m ready but I had signed up about six weeks prior and I didn’t want to bail last minute.

It’s a long 2 1/2 hour drive on about 5 different freeways.  I leave early because if I don’t then I’ll hit a ton of traffic – more than I will by leaving at 2pm.  I’m still numb from OH but want to get back on my feet and get going again on this road to adoption.

I’ve had a few friends that have done foster to adopt and they all have wonderful children. This route has always been my plan B because I haven’t thought that I’m strong enough emotionally to take care of a wonderful little child, or children, and then have to give them back to their parents or other family members.  But, my options are running out and I want to be a mom so plan B it is.

I arrive at the agency and I start to freak out. I text my best friend “Am walking into my meeting and am about to cry because I don’t want to and shouldn’t be here.” She replies “I know.  So shitty and unfair.  Slap a fake smile on and walk in.”  That’s the umph I need. I do and I do.

We start to meeting by doing introduction and as I start to tell my story, the tears well up and I start to shake uncontrollably.  My whole body had turned into a magnitude 8.0 earthquake. It’s too soon.  I over extended myself and I’m just not ready.  Fortunately the group is great and supportive.  I stay for the entire meeting but am closed off.  I’m tired, sad and am feeling like a victim.

I stay for the entire meeting but it was emotionally very difficult. I don’t want Plan B, I want plan A.

(This blog post was written in April right after my third failed adoption. I was home less than 24 hours when I went to the above meeting and wasn’t in the right mindset to jump into the next thing.  It’s about two months later and things are much better 🙂 )