I’ve been home for less than 24 hours since my failed adoption in OH and I head to Modesto for a foster to adopt class. I’m not sure about this and if I’m ready but I had signed up about six weeks prior and I didn’t want to bail last minute.
It’s a long 2 1/2 hour drive on about 5 different freeways. I leave early because if I don’t then I’ll hit a ton of traffic – more than I will by leaving at 2pm. I’m still numb from OH but want to get back on my feet and get going again on this road to adoption.
I’ve had a few friends that have done foster to adopt and they all have wonderful children. This route has always been my plan B because I haven’t thought that I’m strong enough emotionally to take care of a wonderful little child, or children, and then have to give them back to their parents or other family members. But, my options are running out and I want to be a mom so plan B it is.
I arrive at the agency and I start to freak out. I text my best friend “Am walking into my meeting and am about to cry because I don’t want to and shouldn’t be here.” She replies “I know. So shitty and unfair. Slap a fake smile on and walk in.” That’s the umph I need. I do and I do.
We start to meeting by doing introduction and as I start to tell my story, the tears well up and I start to shake uncontrollably. My whole body had turned into a magnitude 8.0 earthquake. It’s too soon. I over extended myself and I’m just not ready. Fortunately the group is great and supportive. I stay for the entire meeting but am closed off. I’m tired, sad and am feeling like a victim.
I stay for the entire meeting but it was emotionally very difficult. I don’t want Plan B, I want plan A.
(This blog post was written in April right after my third failed adoption. I was home less than 24 hours when I went to the above meeting and wasn’t in the right mindset to jump into the next thing. It’s about two months later and things are much better 🙂 )